August 31, 2003

• Well, It’s fast Sunday for our Stake today . . . time for another CD:
  
  Friend of Mine (Eve 6)
  I’m Still Here (Vertical Horizon)
  Without You (Mest)
  Shell of Myself (Mest)
  Letters to You (Finch)
  Stay With Me (Finch)
  So Far Away (Staind)
  Somewhere Out There (Our Lady Peace)
  Undercover (Pete Yorn)
  Wherever You Will Go (The Calling)
  Adrienne (The Calling)
  Promise (Eve 6)
  Amazing (Josh Kelley)
  Best I Ever Had (Vertical Horizon)
  Addicted (Simple Plan)
  I’d do Anything (Simple Plan)
  Again I go Unnoticed (Dashboard Confessional)
  At Least We’re Dreaming (Eve 6)
  Without You Here (Eve 6)
  Cavanaugh Park (Something Corporate)
  
  Monday Update:
  
  Ok. Wow. You know you’re listening to a CD too much when you fall asleep in the middle of it and your dreams revolve around each track.
  
  I was listening to my September CD . . . track one was “Friend of Mine.” I was thinking about Weggs (I got to see him Sunday night for a few hours) and junior year and senior year, and I drifted off as track 2 began.
  
  I dreamed I was on Basswood Island and Haley came back, only not just as a little person. “[I] smile the widest when I cry inside and my insides blow apart. I try to wear another face just to make you proud- Just to make you put me in my place.” Haley started talking about my Creative Writting piece. It was a scene frome the summer.
  
  Suddenly I was in front of my computer in the basement on a Sunday night. Haley was still standing behind me. He continued the song, “I held the pieces of my soul. I was shattered, and I wanted you to come and make me whole. Then I saw you yesterday, but you didn’t notice. You just walked away. Cause everything you wanted me to hide is everything that makes me feel alive. . .”
  
  The scene changed again and I was in Seminary, alone. I sang to Haley track 3, “I warned you I told you I’d be better without you. . . where are you now?” Only it wasn’t really Haley. He mimicked Luce’s voice saying, “All the insecurities built inside of you must have just blown up.”
  
  Haley dissapeared and I heard “the nightmares not over . . .” It was Luce, but I couldn’t see him. “. . . that night we last shared . . .”
  
  The night faded into day, this time at BYU. Andy was there. He was telling me how wonderful it was, and I started to get into the next track saying, “Can’t you see that I wanna be there . . .” It became night, as I continued, “It’s empty tonight and I’m all alone. Get me through this one. Do you notice I’m gone?”
  
  I was moved from BYU to BG days with the lyrics, “Cigarettes and open air, hand in hand, and I said stay with me, ’cause every star that I see is brighter than the last” I went deeper into the dream. I don’t remember what I was thinking, but it fit into, “This is my life; its not what it was before. All these feelings i’ve shared- and these are my dreams . . . I’m so afraid of waking, please don’t shake me”
  
  I was laying on the dock on Basswood looking at the stars and moon. Someone told me, “Last time I talked to you, you were lonely and out of place.” To which I replied, “I know you’re out there, somewhere out there.” “You know I never try, [but] I love you like the one I used to know.” “I know now, just quite how my life and love might still go on in your heart. In your mind, I’ll stay with you for all of time. If I could then I would, I’ll go wherever you will go”
  
  “I gave you all I had to give, but I could never reach you” And then I heard “Adrienne” and I was transported back a year to the Lincolnshire swim club. Adrienne was the hot snack bar manager. She was talking to me, but mid sentence turned into Margaret, my boss this year. She said, “I really need to tell you,” but she never finished the statement because I was too busy singing, “sleeping through the evening singing dreams inside my head.” I thought of the promise I had made, but then heard myself saying, “you’re amazing” and thought of Heather, who of course appeared in front of me. We were sailing on lake Michigan, looking at the skyline and all decked out for prom. Morning was coming, grey. “Best I ever had” played in the background.
  
  Then we were in the dance again, and I was hearing “Addicted” for the first time. “I don’t know why I’m still waiting, I can’t make . . .” I got so excited over the song that I left to write a letter. “Another day is going by. I’m thinking about you all the time, but you’re out there, and I’m here waiting,” I wrote, “And I wrote this letter in my head, ’cause so many thing were left unsaid, but now you’re gone, and I can’t think straight”
  
  Suddenly I became depressed. I was at a party- I’m not sure where (prolly at Mary’s), but there were tons of people there. As “Again I go Unnoticed” came on, I left the party and went to my car where I listened to Iris. As I heard Eve 6 “waitin for someone to come along and find me,” Andy and Weggs came to get me, and I told them, “At least im breathin. At least im alive. As long as I’m dreaming, everything’s gonna be alright”
  
  But the two of them disappeared, and I was left with, “without you here, I feel my fear.”
  
  It was still night, I heard “I . . . sit all alone in the dark, and dream about things that I cannot say.” I called out to the summer, “There was never any place, for someone like me to be totally happy. I’m running out of clock and that ain’t a shock. Some things never do change, never do change”
  
  As the CD ended, I forced myself awake. I wasn’t upset or anything. Actually I felt great. Relieved, Happy. And that’s all I have to say about that.

  • 7:21 pm
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