We went to the grocery store tonight so that now I won’t starve.  And you know what the coolest thing about it is?  I found Herdez Salsa Verde, the best salsa in the world!  I thought I would never be able to eat my mission food in Utah, but they have good salsa here!  I’m stoked.  Esta noche comí quesadillas con salsa verde, y esta noche I felt a little bit like I was on my mission again.  Just a little.

Stand down son
Start resting easy
You’ve done your service
I am proud to have you home and see you safe

It’s so good
You looked so strong
In that picture on the mantle
You sent your mom when you were gone

But you looked scared now
Hollow eyed
When are you coming?

Back where you belong
I swear that it’s safe here
There’s nothing to fear at all

Come on back
Where you belong
The pressure releases
If you just let down your guard

Everything rests on you
You know that feeling well
The ball is falling, falling, falling
So far
From a close call

Your injuries aren’t mortal wounds
The only thing that’s killing you
Is what you saw
And what you couldn’t stop

Well, you’re nat the one I blame
It wasn’t your mistake

But your safe now so come home

It’s simple things Dad
I’m not hurt I’m not dead
I just should be
Where my friends are lying

And I didn’t hate
Those that I killed
But they’re all dead now

And I’m here alive
With satellites
And friday nights
And no one to judge me
Or the things that I’ve done at all

So how can I live with that?

Back where I belong
You swear that it’s safe here
There is nothing to fear at all

Take me
Back where I belong
The pressure releases
If I just let my guard down

This weekend has been AWESOME!  And as testament to its awesomeness, today was the first day since I’ve been home that I didn’t wake up and think to myself, “I wish I was still on my mission.”  I woke up feeling great.  That was good, because I spoke in Sacrament Meeting today.  I spoke on Faith in the Atonement, and it went really well.

On Friday I went to a class I wanted to add and was able to add it- (201 Honors Western Political Heritage 1).  It means not having Fridays off, and it is an intense work load, but I was really happy to get what I wanted done.  Thursday had been a very effective day for me, and I was able to carry the effectiveness over onto Friday.  As I was heading to one stop, I ran into Sister John (I guess I should call her Nicole now) from my mission.  That was fun to catch up.  Then I did a bunch of errands.

Friday night was the Opening Ward Social at the Bishop’s house in Mapleton.  It was a lot of fun- I went with the apartment.  It was a little scary cause Sam drove.  He’s my freshman UVSC long haired Long Beach roommate.  Not a safe driver.  I could’ve died.  (that’s an inside joke).  Our ward is huge, but there seem to be a lot of fun people.  It’s just hard to feel connected because its so big.  But I got to talk to Ashley, and I asked her on a date for Saturday- the Stake Date Activity.

So Saturday at 8 in the morning I went on a double date.  It was my first date since I’ve been home.  Actually it was my first date in more than 2 years, because I certainly wasn’t dating on my mission.  It was a lot of fun.  The Stake made breakfast for us and then the theater was cleared out for us and we watched Bourne.  I definitely was feeling really good about everything.  I felt confident and fun and likable.  We both said we were going to have to do something else together soon.

Then I went home and had lunch and went to the library and came home again and took a nap and woke up just in time to get picked up by Adam (formerly Elder Norberg) to head down to Peter (formerly my companion Elder Mancuso)’s wedding reception in Bountiful.  That was also a lot of fun.  It was great to see Peter and the Sorenson’s and the Brown’s and Andy and Mary.  We couldn’t stay for very long, though.  We had to sneak into the bathroom booths and change out of our church clothes into our concert clothes- tight jeans and a small, loud tee, fauxhawk.  Then we were off to Electric Park at Thanksgiving Point to see the Format and Dashboard Confessional.

The Format put on a good show.  I was converted.  Then was Toad the Wet Sprocket.  Very disappointed.  It was just prolonging the wait for Dashboard.  It was kinda fun being squished in a mob of people waiting for Dashboard.  We could just talk with everyone around us.

Then Dashboard came out playing Vindicated.  I died.  There was just so much more to the sound.  No itunes download could have replicated the experience of being there.  Chris asked us if we wanted old music or new music.  Everyone shouted “OLD!” and they started playing all their old stuff.  It was just awesome.  He improvised the bridges to well known songs.  He make every song an experience so much more than you can get from the albums.  He really knew how to work the audience.  So many of the songs just consumed me.  The bass vibrated the soles of my shoes.  Sweaty bodies seemed to become extended limbs as we swayed to emo beats.  There was so much feeling in the music.  The sounds melted me.  The lyrics moved me.  I screamed myself hoarse.  It was a spiritual experience. 

I haven’t been that excited about something since I was on my mission.  I haven’t been that happy in a long time.  It just fulfilled me.  In fact, the whole experience fulfilled prophesy.  In August of 2006, Adam Norberg wrote in my journal, “Dear Elder Emo, First off, I want you to always remember who gave you that most fitting, catchy, and hippest of nicknames.  And had it not been for Pres. Owen cracking down on slang and using proper titles your nickname just may have grown to become the most well known name in the CA Arcadia Mission. . . But that’s okay.  I know you still wear the Emo badge on your chest beneath your missionary one.  And one day, sooner than you think, your will be back in the Windy City and you will run to find a phone both where inside you will tear off your church clothes and reveal your tight jeans, small t-shirt, retro shoes, and sad face as you emerge from the booth as EMO BOY!  But as for now your a missionary, so cheer up Emo Boy, your hour will come. . . I’m sure I’ll see you again after the mission and we’ll go get “vindicated” with Dashboard . . . Elder Adam Norberg.”

When Dashboard came out playing “Vindicated,” I realized that we had made this a reality.  Vindicated is exactly how I felt.  Vindicated and fulfilled.  On May 21, 2004, I was “Pouting because I [was] not at the Dashboard Confessional concert.”  Well more than three years later, this weekend, I was.

And you know what the best thing is about this weekend.  I felt it.  I actually felt.  You won’t understand what that means, but that’s ok, I do.

Today was awesome.  My classes seem like they will be good.  Or at least I like having classes.  My sculpture class is a nice transition into the art world again.  I have painting and aqueous media 2nd block.  All the girls in sculpture are married.

My creative writing class seems a little intense and slightly disorganized.  I fear ghost deadlines and assignments.  It is the intensity of a Barnabee class and the free feeling of a Heckle-Oliver class (for all you SHS alum).

My roommate got a TV from his sister, so I don’t have to go around singing “Empty Apartment” by yellowcard anymore.  lol.  Sam, my roommate, drove to pick it up and got in an accident.  We have been teasing him since.

The Bishopric came by tonight and told me that there is another Embree in the ward.  Kara Embree.  She is from Rigby, Idaho.  I went over to introduce myself, but she wasn’t home.  Instead I met her roommate Ashley.  Ashley seems like a way awesome girl.  I will definitely be going back.

There is a funny story to go along with this, but I had to make it protected just in case anyone from my new ward stumbles across this. 

At district meeting Elder Andrews was training about being lead by revelation when Elder Pitcher, my zone leader and former companion, asked, “What if revelation leads you to a scantily clad good looking girl?”  Then he turned to me and said, “Remember that?”

Though I had forgotten, suddenly I remembered the Indian Girl.  When I was in Temple City with Elder Pitcher, we were constantly focusing on being lead by the Spirit.  One time the Spirit directly lead us to a particular part of a particular street in San Gabriel.  The revelation had been clear after we prayed to be lead to someone we could teach.

When we got out of the car, we heard someone right away calling out to us.  She told us to come over and teach her about the Bible.  When we turned to see who it was, we saw a young girl in a bikini top and ultra short white miniskirt.  She introduced herself as a “little Indian girl.”  We decided it was ok to teach her because her dad was there mowing the lawn.  We taught her a whole first lesson right there sitting Indian style on her front lawn.  She was fairly interested, and it was apparently what God wanted us to do, or at least what we prayed for- a willing person to teach.  Needless to say, we sent the Sister missionaries to make the return visit.

Well today I have completely changed my mind about being here at the Y.  Sorry about the drama.

Today was just great.  During the morning I bought my text books and as an apartment we bought some butcher paper to put up for our quote/autograph wall.  It is still very blank, so you should all come over and write something funny on it.  Doodles are allowed.

In the afternoon two of my mission friends came over and chilled.  It was so much fun to catch up.  It made me feel like things were normal again.  I’m going to the Dashboard concert this Saturday with Adam (aka Elder Norberg).  It’s gonna be a blast.

Our apartment was in charge of planning “Family Home Evening” tonight.  We invited the 12 girls in our temporary group over at our place.  Sam (my roommate) and two of the girls couldn’t make it, so it was 3 on 10.  Any you know what?  The girls were really cute.  I’m not surprised, cause at BYU there are so many cute girls, but I had a blast tonight.  We played 2 truths and a lie and had a lesson and some brownies and otterpops.  I just got all stoked about the ward now and about dating and about single life as a sophomore.  I feel like this something that maybe sort of I can eventually do.

Life is grand.

Quote for the day: “Dating girls in your ward is like peeing in the pool.  It’s great and convenient, but then you have to swim in it.” (Qtd. by Mike Larkin).

When I first got to the Creekside Ward, there were so many uncontacted referrals it wasn’t even funny.  Much of that first week was spent contacting the referrals, one of which was Jose.

One of the other referrals was a woman named M. Golivioski.  I called her on the phone to try and set up a time to come by.  On the phone she was very resistant.  Her English was broken, and she just didn’t want us to come by.  Finally I asked her to “at least” write down my phone number in case she ever changed her mind.  That was August 2006.  I forgot all about it.

In November I came home one preparation day and there was a message on our phone.  “Hello my name is M. Golivioski and I want to attend one of your services.  Can you please tell me where the nearest church is?  Ok. Thank you.  Goodbye.”  I was shocked to get the message and wondered how this random person had known to call me.  After calling Elder Larkin, I remembered who it was.  I was stoked!  No one ever calls back!

Elder Fillerup and I went over that night.  The Spirit was so strong.  Unfortunately, M. was from Argentina and preferred Spanish to English.  Unbeknownst to me, I was still 2 weeks away from becoming bilingual, so we referred her to Elder Dimick, a Spanish speaking Elder.  It was the hardest contact I have ever turned over.  (Elder Dimick was Jeff Wegner’s MTC companion).

Anyway, in February when I was at the LA Temple, I ran into Elder Fillerup.  I had been transferred to Chino, and he was now in Claremont with Elder Dimick’s old companion.  He told me that shortly after I left Walnut, M. Golivioski had been baptized in the Spanish Ward.  Of course I was ecstatic.  Again, this is the Lord’s work.  I next saw M. at the departing devotional, where I found out that she was still active in the Church and preparing to go to the Temple.

This is another story Elder Pitcher reminded me of.  While in Temple City, we went to visit a less active with 2 big dogs.  When we walked in, the dogs were outside.  He sat us down and gave us each a long rope of beef type stuff- like a giant slim jim.  I was mortified.  I hate those things- beef jerky- ick.  Anyway, I was thinking about how terrible it was that I had to eat this thing.  Hoping to get it over with, I took a giant bite and started chewing.  It was thick, and the flavor was so strong I almost threw up.  As I chewed, the less active guy walked back in the room with the dogs.  I don’t know what gave it away.  Maybe it was the look on his face.  Suddenly I knew the beef rope was for the dogs.  In an awkward way, he said, “Oh, do you want one too?”  I shook my head, still chewing this hunk of awful dog food.  The dogs finished it, and we taught a very quick lesson then left.

The way Elder Pitcher tells the story, the first thing I said as we left the house was, “I am so humiliated.”  I was pretty embarrassed.  We had to go to Wendy’s right away to wash away that horrible flavor with some chicken nuggets and a frosty.  I love Elder Pitcher stories.

Well, this morning was my first full day back in Provo.  It is really
weird being back in Mormon land.  It feels very different than when it
did freshman year.  Then I was so excited to see people being Mormon-
dressing modestly, talking about their Wards, just everything that Mormons do.  This time I am more skeptical.  I don’t know why, it just feels . . . threatening.  Not that that makes sense at all, because it doesn’t.

Perhaps one of the things that is turning me off is all the pressure to be married.  It is more suffocating that I could have imagined.  This world revolves around marriage.  I feel the culture sucking me in and I want to rebel against it.  The ward, for example, fits every stereotype for student singles wards imaginable.  I am trying so hard to put off the cynical man about it.

One really nice thing was being able to spend some time today with my Aunt and Uncle Peterson.  It was nice to eat dinner in a home and be with a family.  My Dad and Mom used to go over to their house when they were in college, so it makes me feel comfortable.  It helps me feel anchored to something.

I do really like the apartments I’m staying at.  The pool is going to be a convenient way to tone up.  I’ve lost a lot of weight, but I need to tone up.

I guess the real reason that I’m spewing all this is that I really just want to be a missionary again.  I hate having people call me Dan.  Elder Embree is such a more fitting name.  That is who I am.  I am Elder.  I want to be back in my mission.  That was something I could do.  That was something that I loved.  That was something that I understood.  I am just bitter to have to be in the real world.  I don’t know who I am here.  I feel void of connection or identity.

My first week in the Chino Heritage ward was great.  I got to the area full of skepticism because the missionaries prior hadn’t been accomplishing anything and I had just come from Walnut, where I had been very successful.  Immediately we began working hard to teach lessons, but I also wanted to start out with dramatic success to show both the ward members and myself what kinds of things we could do.

On our first Saturday we went to teach the A. family.  Sister A. is the guardian of her nonmember niece, Jasmine (11).  Jasmine clearly loved the missionaries, so we planned to start with a full third lesson- the first principles and ordinances of the gospel of Jesus Christ.  During the lesson, I asked her if she wanted to be baptized.  She looked at us with a look of “of course I do,” a big smile, and said yes.  Thus in a completely “dead” area, in my first week there, we set a baptismal date with an investigator.

Even though Jasmine did not keep commitments and was not baptized, the ward could tell that I was willing to work hard and to be successful.  Within 3 months we had found and baptized a new investigator.