Month: November 2007

  • or you could rock out to it

    "I think I've kind of been in a bubble... thinking that fairness was
    gonna just happen. It's not. People like me are gonna have to get up
    off their fathers' laps and go out and fight for it"     (Tracy Turnblad).

    So I am home now.  Though it is good to be home, I'm not going to lie, the past 24 hours or so have been really really really intense.   I shall focus on the positive.  I got to have lunch with one of my mission buddies that I haven't seen in more than six months.  I brought a friend.  It was really reassuring and fun and overall positive.  I also got to go shopping yesterday and I bought the sickest outfit at a great deal at Plato's Closet.  I look so hot!  And I also got to see hairspray with a bunch of friends.  Amazing movie.  I was much impressed.  Great message.  Kinda makes me want to be an activist.  I've become pretty liberal, by the way.  In previous posts, specifically through high school, I wrote some things that I have completely flip flopped on.  Anyway.  I'm functioning on no sleep and a whole lot of angst.

    "Well, love is a gift, a lot of people don't remember that. So, you two
    better brace yourselves for a whole lotta ugly comin' at you from a
    never-ending parade of stupid"     (Motormouth Maybelle).

  • Just being in the same room.

    ". . . when I see the way that
    mankind loves    – You could search to the furthest reaches of the
    universe and never find anything more beautiful.  So yes, I know that
    love is unconditional.  But I also know that it can be unpredictable,
    unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake
    for loathing, and    – What I'm trying to say, Tristan is– I think I
    love you. Is this love, Tristan?  I never imagined I'd know it for
    myself.  My heart    – It feels like my chest can barely contain it.  Like
    it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me any more.  It
    belongs to you.  And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange.  No fits.  No goods.  No demonstrations of devotion.  Nothing but knowing
    you loved me too.  Just your heart, in exchange for mine"     (Yvaine, Stardust).

    Oh what a week it has been.  I've been really productive.  I can't believe how quickly thanksgiving is approaching.

    Christmas things are popping up everywhere, and I like it.  Last night I started getting really excited for Christmas.  For the cold and the gloves and the scarves and the breath you can see.  And the lights and the garland and the candles and the stockings and the fireplace and the fuzziness.  And the cinnamon and the nutmeg and the ginger and the cloves and the allspice.  And cranberries.  And vanilla.  And blankets and drafty windows.  And the piano stained a deep warm brown.  And the holly and the pumpkin bread and ginger bread men dipped in milk.  And the cold leather of the comfy chair in front of the TV that sticks to your skin after it warms up.  And The Bishop's Wife.  It's a Wonderful Life.  Nativity scenes.  Temple Square.  Chicago.  Popovers.  With strawberry jam.  Boy scout wreaths and crimson ribbons.  Gold.  Vermillion.  Ochre.  Evergreen.  Hearth.  Pajamas.  This is the season, this year this is the season that is going to be the best season of my life.  Why shouldn't it be?

    And all of that came because a friend started humming a Christmas carol while we were on our way to walmart.

    !

    We saw Stardust last night at the dollar theater.  It was a great movie!  The personifcation of the stars made me think of J.M. Barrie's Peter Pan (the book he wrote– my favorite book right now).  The movie was witty too, and subtle yet obvious in its message.  And the acting was convincing.  And the effects were great.  And the plot was sophisticated for a fantasy movie.  It was all great.  And then we drank vanilla steamers and hot chocolate and in the morning I made french toast out of old french bread and strawberry smoothies.  I should shower.  Hope that you are all doing ok.  I am excited to see you all next week.  Maybe you will catch me when I light up and then you will know how I'm doing.

    "I'm so alive.  I'm so enlightened.  I can barely survive a night in my mind.  I've got a plan.  I'm gonna find out just how boring I am and have a good time.  Cause ever since I tried trying not to find every little meaning in my life, It's been fine.  I've been cool with my new golden rule" (John Mayer).

  • . . . just not the same.

    I have a friend who lives up in the foreign language housing up by the temple.  I decided to go to church with him yesterday.  After Church we went for a walk around the temple.  It started to rain, so we sought shelter in the bus-stop.  The temple was pretty much empty.  After waiting out the rain for a while, we suddenly heard missionaries singing Called to Serve in Spanish.  Oh the MTC.  A bunch of Elders and Sisters were coming up the path in raincoats and umbrellas.  I joked that one of them would be James.  None of those missionaries were, though.  We kept talking.  Then all of a sudden there he was: Elder Embree II.  I saw him coming up the hill in a clump of Elders.  He looked really happy.  He just fit in so well.  I can't tell you how good it was to see him so happy.  I watched him as he went up to the temple, but I didn't say anything, and he didn't notice me.  I thought about calling out to him (I was pretty darn close to the path), but I didn't want to distract him and disrupt his groove.  It was so good to see him though.

  • Must Have Done Something Right


    We should get jerseys
    Cause we make a good team
    But yours would look better than mine
    Cause you're out of my league

    And I know that it's so cliché
    To tell you that everyday
    I spend with you is the new
    Best day of my life
    And everyone watching us
    Just turns away with disgust
    Its jealously
    They can see
    That we've got it going on

    And I'm rackin' my brain
    For a new improved way
    To let you know you're more to me
    Than what I know how to say
    You're okay
    With the way
    This is going to be
    Cause this is going to be
    The best thing we've ever seen

    If anyone could make me a better person, you could
    All I gotta say is I must have done something good
    You came along one day and you rearranged my life
    All I gotta say is I must have done something right
    I must have done something right

    Maybe I'm just lucky
    Cause it's hard to believe
    Believe that somebody like you'd end up with someone like me
    And I know that it's so cliché
    To talk about you this way
    But I'll push all my inhibitions aside
    It's so very obvious
    To everyone watching us
    That we have got something real good going on

    And I'm rackin' my brain
    For a new improved way
    To let you know you're more to me
    Than what I know how to say
    You're okay
    With the way
    This is going to be
    Cause this is going to be
    The best thing we've ever seen

    If anyone could make me a better person, you could

    All I gotta say is I must have done something good

    You came along one day and you rearranged my life

    All I gotta say is I must have done something right

    I must have done something right

  • Feel for the First Time

     "I'm stuck here alone in the traffic lines, while couples in love in the H-O-V fly by.  I don't get it, I'm not asking for much, but everybody wants to just have--- something. 
    So I'll be picking me up, breaking me down, I was lost, was I found? I wanna feel everything. When everything feels wrong with me.  Take a look, Embrace myself.  Everybody wants to make it count."     (The Rocket Summer).

    So it has now been a week since I took James to the MTC.  I miss him terribly.  I know that he will be a great missionary, and I know this is what he wants and what he needs to be doing.  Still it feels weird to let him go.  I feel kinda gypped- robbed of something.  Right now I am listening to music and it is just overtaking me and I want to talk to him about it.  Is that weird?  I just want to talk to him so badly right now.

    I remember when we were little and we would talk and he was always the one who understood me.  I remember playing our make believe games and talking about dragons and wizards and flying.  I remember in high school he could always read me better than anyone.  And I trusted his input more than anyone elses input, even if I didn't follow it, I knew he was right.  He is always right.  And we would listen to music and it was ok if we both got really into it.  And so I'm left here thinking about how much I want to tell him about my new music, and he is out there learning Spanish and preparing to go do awesome things in Argentina.

    "We're crashing into the unknown.  We're lost in this, but it feels like home.  I'm feeling alive all over again.  As deep as the sky under my skin. . . Maybe I'm wrong, I'm feeling right where I belong with you tonight.  Like being in love to feel for the first time" (Lifehouse).

  • "This Is Me"

    Everyday I wake up late.

    Since I quit my day job I have been sane.

    But responsibilities sure do remain, but I'll just let them wait.



    Because I don't know what I am doing now,

    and I wont try to act like it cuz I sure don't know how.

    And I'll admit that I don't know, just where I'm going on this long and winding road

    that's taking me to what will be my home.



    So stare and see that this is me,

    and I will be just what I need to believe

    that something is what I'm gonna be.

    And what you do is what you do and what I do needs to be true.

    The things I do maybe need to be thought through,

    but just remember what's right for me, might be not right for you.



    Staring at this mirror and I'm wondering who you are.

    Right now is a time for searching and I just wish I had a car

    to drive a long distance and just think about the war,

    and how life's got so much more.



    Because I don't know what I am doing now,

    and I wont try to act like it cuz I sure don't know how.

    And I'll admit that I don't know, just where I'm going on this long and winding road

    that's taking me to what will be my home.



    So stare and see that this is me,

    and I will be just what I need to believe

    that something is what I'm gonna be.

    And what you do is what you do,

    and what I do needs to be true.

    The things I do maybe need to be thought through...

    But I know what I want to do and I want it to be true.

    And yeah I'd be the first to say that of course I'll listen to you,

    but remember what's right for me, might be not right for you

  • What happened in November . . .

    "Hear me when I speak, and just listen, and try not to be some kind of self righteous high being, or the opposite and mislead me, to better your mind unseen, this is a story of how we can be.  They're building you up to tear you down, they won't admit it but it's true. Their smile and advice to end with your frown, 'cause they don't want what's best for you. It's sad I know, I know, but you know I know something else, and now it's my turn to just sit back and tell . . . So step back and be real, and just admit the way you feel, and see that we are all one big learning gang. And it's true that, we all wanna be the baddest.  We all have a little baggage, even though we hide it, and we always will deny it, . . ." (The Rocket Summer).

    I just got back from the Temple where I had an incredible experience.   Going to that Holy House brought me such peace and assurance and calm.  I received more meaningful revelation today than I have ever previously received.  It was like I was prepared for it and never have been before.  I'd like to share those revelations with you, but  I think they were meant for me.  You may not have been prepared for them in the way I was prepared.  Besides they are about what I need to do.  My advice is for you to go to the Temple and receive the direction meant for you.  I will share a few of the things that struck me this time around, and then you can pay attention to those things when you go. 

    The most overshadowing theme for me today was God's desire for our happiness.  God created a beautiful world for us to be happy in.  In fact Adam, and therefore all mankind, was commanded to be happy.  He was also told to fill the measure of his creation.  An interesting point made by the Book of Mormon's perspective on the Plan of Salvation is that Adam couldn't be happy in the Garden of Eden.  Happiness came with sadness, something that entered the world when he ate of the forbidden fruit.  Eating that fruit went against what God had told him to do, but he was promised the choice was his, and it was the only way he could remain with Eve, who had already partaken of the fruit.  That is another theme that hit me hard.  It is not meant for man to be alone.  I was also particularly sensitive to how the Savior's atonement was established in the beginning as the solution to the sins of all mankind, including Adam's partaking of the forbidden fruit.

    Part of why I went to the Temple today was to reveiw the covenants I had made and ponder on the blessings that come from them.  I paid very close attention to what those covenants entailed and I was very surprised.  I also paid attention to the blessings that are promised, and that was a very powerful thing for me.  I have never felt more sure of myself.

    So that is what I did today.  So far it's really the only worthwhile thing I've done all day, other than listen to wonderful music.  Right now I'm listening to "Story."  When this song is done I'm gonna go blast "Defying Gravity."

    "And I'm not saying that I'm any better than you.  Sometimes I have motives that are just so stupid and I play the fool. But man, you're killing me.  The charade has got to end, so stop acting like you know everything, because you're missing the point.  You are supposed to be my friend. . . I don't, I don't know. . . Just drive, just drive.  Drive me away.  Take me to another place where I know, I know, what's happening to my head and to my dreams 'cause I want, I want, I need, I need, some peace of mind and clarity, so just take, take my hand, And let's flee . . ." (The Rocket Summer).

  • . . . is what I needed.

    Today was wonderful.