September 19, 2007

  • Wow.  Over the past few days I have had this creative writting assignment hanging over my head.  I'm supposed to write a short fragment memoir scene.  It has me baffled.  I have been agonizing over it because I just can't remember any scenes from my life before my mission.  In search of inspiration, I started reading my xanga entries.  They sucked me in.  Gall, they were so full of life!  The things that I wrote about- I had completely forgotten what my life what like.  I had forgotten how much certain people meant to me.  I had forgotten all the thrills I took in small pleasures, and all the thick stirrings of uncertainty, and the excitement when events worked out.

    One of my roommates just walked in and asked me what I was doing, I
    told him I was reliving my life.  I am so glad I wrote these things down.  It's true. Reading these posts was like reliving my life.  I was reclaiming it.  Since I've been home from my mission, I have felt so lonely and disconnected.  I just couldn't access the person that I was before- even the memories were stiff and elusive.  Now I have it all back.  I feel so wonderful.  I have had such an awesome life!  And these people- they cared about me and I cared about them.  And these places- I knew them so well and thought so much about them.  And these songs.  There was so much meaning in them, and when and where and which of them I quoted reveals so much about me and so many things that only I know that I remember that I had forgotten.

    I think I am finally able to think of myself as Dan and not Elder Embree.  Elder Embree was a wonderful person to be, and I loved him, but I can be Dan now.  I remember who Dan is.  You know, one thing I have noticed about my xanga entries (I'm talking clear back to 2003 and 2004), even the most meaningless things were noteworthy and interesting and well received by friends and xangans.  I wrote paragraphs about orange juice!  I wrote about the euphoric excitement from reading the book of Mosiah (July 28, 2003).  I wrote down random epiphanies (Jan. 18, 2005).  I wrote about cravings and desires.  Do you know how much knowing about those things means to me now?  Wow.  Even the words I used to make up or use in weird wasy- *snarl* and uber-happy and chipper.  I will never be apologetic about anything I write on here again- be it drama or stupid or trite.  In the end, it is always meaningful.

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