September 2, 2007

• First Day Back in Provo

  Well, this morning was my first full day back in Provo.  It is really
  weird being back in Mormon land.  It feels very different than when it
  did freshman year.  Then I was so excited to see people being Mormon-
  dressing modestly, talking about their Wards, just everything that Mormons do.  This time I am more skeptical.  I don't know why, it just feels . . . threatening.  Not that that makes sense at all, because it doesn't.

  Perhaps one of the things that is turning me off is all the pressure to be married.  It is more suffocating that I could have imagined.  This world revolves around marriage.  I feel the culture sucking me in and I want to rebel against it.  The ward, for example, fits every stereotype for student singles wards imaginable.  I am trying so hard to put off the cynical man about it.

  One really nice thing was being able to spend some time today with my Aunt and Uncle Peterson.  It was nice to eat dinner in a home and be with a family.  My Dad and Mom used to go over to their house when they were in college, so it makes me feel comfortable.  It helps me feel anchored to something.

  I do really like the apartments I'm staying at.  The pool is going to be a convenient way to tone up.  I've lost a lot of weight, but I need to tone up.

  I guess the real reason that I'm spewing all this is that I really just want to be a missionary again.  I hate having people call me Dan.  Elder Embree is such a more fitting name.  That is who I am.  I am Elder.  I want to be back in my mission.  That was something I could do.  That was something that I loved.  That was something that I understood.  I am just bitter to have to be in the real world.  I don't know who I am here.  I feel void of connection or identity.

  • 10:32 pm
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