August 23, 2007
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First Impressions
The air ports
I feel sick. We all toy with the absenses of 2 years. We ache with the void of emo music. We recall the lyrics.
One by one the missionaries drop off as flights depart until it is just me on the plane. And then I’m in the air. Suddenly I can’t open my mouth. How can I not open my mouth? Emotion wells up, then becomes cold and I feel past feeling.Leaving home was hard, coming home is harder. I don’t want to come home. I don’t want to be here. I’m more scared than I’ve ever been.
1st Night:
Nothing’s changed. It just feels like nothing has changed. The house is the same. The feel of the air is the same. The sounds at night are the same. The lights of the night are the same. It feels like I’ve never been gone, like 2 years never happened, and that is a disconcerting feeling.
I have changed! I have spent 2 years away. I have dedicated myself and applied myself and given everything of myself. I have grown and succeeded and loved. I don’t want that 2 years to forever be the surreal dream that doesn’t fit into the rest of my life. Did 2 years really happen?
The release
I am calm, then I am released. Suddenly 2 years of emotions are pulled out of me and I face them all at once and it is a rush and then its over. I am released of it all. He makes me take off my tag. It is an empty feeling. Suddenly my whole soul feels light and this burden is lifted from my shoulders. There is no responsibility. No burden. No importance?
1st Morning:
Why is nobody starring at me? No one is looking at me! What are these clothes I am wearing? What am I doing? I have to do something. This is sickening, I’m wasting time. I’m not helping anyone. I’m not engaged in the work. I am not working.
I need to be finding. Ok, so I’m not a missionary, I am a pre-married person. My goodness, I need to get married. Is it ok to knock doors to look for potential wives? No, that’s not effective. How can I find? Work with the members! The members! Who has a ward list? I need to talk to the relief society president.
And the music is so good. My whole body listens to it. It moves everything in me. I sway and tremble and dance and curl up fetal to it. What is this old CD? “May 2004.” “November 2003.” “Favorites.” It’s all coming back to me. This life isn’t so hard. I can do this.
And then we’re driving and out of no where my homecoming talk comes to me. I am enlightened and it fills my soul with joy. The realization: I can still receive revelation. God will still talk to me. I can still be lead by his hand. He talks to me still. I still matter. There is importance- I can still feel it. I can still draw on the power, that power that will thrash the nations. Release. My body collapses limp with the relief of it all.
2nd morning:
I need a companion. I need district meeting. I need interaction with the missionaries. It is so lonely. I need the companionship. I ache for them. I ache to be with my Elders in my mission. So many voids and aches and emptinesses and the music can’t fill them all. It’s not enough.
Comments (2)
It’s good to see that you finally were able to listen to Vindicated! I remember all of those feelings. I still have them sometimes; especially what I call “The lack of the tag”. I get that feeling almost every sunday when I put on my white shirt and tie and realize that I don’t put on a tag with it.
Dan, all of these feelings seem like so much. I would love to get together and talk with you – hear all about it. I’ll be at your talk this weekend, and maybe next week sometime we can get together.
Lisa.