So I promised a real entry. Not another first draft. I’m digging deep here.

I went to woodfield this morning to buy some things that James and I had looked at yesterday when we went to woodfield. I did a lot of thinking there. I really need to get to BYU. I starting to wonder if my future is going to be radically different than the one I have always envisioned for myself. I’m trying to be more honest.

Today I went to visit my High School and it was awesome.  It was really neat to walk in and feel kinda like an important person.  And it was great to see teachers that I missed.  Mostly I visited with Ms. Ackerman.  It was great to see her.

Also spent some time with Lisa.  We went to Jamba Juice and talked.  It was awesome.  She gave me 5 CDs (indexed and all) entitled “Back into the Mainstream.”  It’s all the stuff I missed over the past 2 years.

Tired. Will ellaborate later.

I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the Pacific and
You might think I’m losing my mind,
But I will shy away from the specifics…

’cause I don’t want you to know where I am
’cause then you’ll see my heart
In the saddest state it’s ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus]
Stop right there. That’s exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
That it’s the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

[Chorus]
I’m sorry for the person I became.
I’m sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I’m ready to be sure I never become that way again
’cause who I am hates who I’ve been.
Who I am hates who I’ve been.

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn’t keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
To create so much pressure that I’ll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart,
And I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can’t let that happen again
’cause then you’ll see my heart
In the saddest state it’s ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus x2]
[Chorus]

Who I am hates who I’ve been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I’ve been
’cause who I’ve been only ever made me…

So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I’m ready to be sure I never become that way again
’cause who I am hates who I’ve been.
Who I am hates who I’ve been.

Excuse the cutting and pasting of lyrics, it’s just that suddenly I feel so empowered with words to describe my own stories and emotions. (Thanks Lisa! You’re CD’s are the best, it means so much to me that you collected the songs and did that for me)

“Maybe I’ve been the problem/ Maybe I’m the one to blame/ But even when I turn it off and blame myself/ The outcome feels the same/ I’ve been thinkin’ maybe/ I’ve been partly cloudy/ Maybe I’m the chance of rain/ And maybe I’m overcast and maybe/ All my luck’s washed down the drain/ I’ve been thinkin’ ’bout everyone, everyone you look so lonely/ But when I look at the stars, / When I look at the stars,/ When I look at the stars/ I see someone else/ When I look at the stars, the stars/ I feel like myself” (Switchfoot).

“Because of you/ I never stray too far from the sidewalk/ Because of you/ I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt/ Because of you/ I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me/ Because of you/ I am afraid./. . . I’m forced to fake/ A smile, a laugh everyday of my life/ My heart can’t possibly break/ When it wasn’t even whole to start with . . .” (Kelly Clarkson)

“I am unwritten, can’t read my mind, I’m undefined/ I’m just beginning, the pen’s in my hand, ending unplanned./ Staring at the blank page before you/ Open up the dirty window/ Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find./ Reaching for something in the distance/ So close you can almost taste it/ Release your inhibitions/ Feel the rain on your skin/ No one else can feel it for you/ Only you can let it in/ No one else, no one else/ Can speak the words on your lips/ Drench yourself in words unspoken/ Live your life with arms wide open/ Today is where your book begins/ The rest is still unwritten./ I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines/ We’ve been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can’t live that way” (Natasha Bedingfield).

I promise to write a real xanga entry tonight.

All of us believe
That this is not up to you
The fact of the matter is
That it’s up to me

Hey, Hey, Hey
Hey, Hey, Hey
Let’s Go

How can we fake this anymore (anymore)
Turn our backs away, and choose to just ignore (choose to just ignore)
(Some say) Some say it’s ignorance
It makes me feel some innocence
(Some say) It takes away a part of me
But I won’t let go

Tell me why can’t you see, it’s not the way (not the way)
When we all fall down, it will be too late
Why is there no reason we can’t change (no reason)
When we all fall down, who will take the blame
What will it take

Nothing could ever be this real (be this real)
A life unsatisfied that I could never feel (I could never feel)
(Some say) This future’s not so bright
Some can’t make the sacrifice
(Some say) It’s much more than just black and white
And I won’t follow

Tell me why can’t you see, it’s not the way (not the way)
When we all fall down, it will be too late
Why is there no reason we can’t change (no reason)
When we all fall down, who will take the blame
What will it take

Times like these I’ve come to see how,
Everything but time is running out

Hey, Hey, Hey
Hey, Hey, Hey
What

All of us believe in what we need
What we have’s what we don’t see

Tell me why can’t you see, it’s not the way (not the way)
When we all fall down, it will be too late
Why is there no reason we can’t change (no reason)
When we all fall down, who will take the blame
What will it take

Tell me why can’t you see, it’s not the way (not the way)
(so how long, has this gone on, i don’t see this ending)
When we all fall down, it will be too late
(it’s too late, we can’t change, what has now begun)
Why is there no reason we can’t change (no reason)
(we act like, its not right, why are we pretending)
When we all fall down, who will take the blame
(we’ve been wrong, for so long)
What will it take
(WE’VE KNOWN THIS ALL ALONG)

“No Reason” by Sum 41

“I’ve given up on giving up slowly, I’m blending in so you won’t even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate. This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption because I know to live you must give your life away, and I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and I’ve been locked inside that house all the while. You hold the key. And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me. And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because I gotta get outta here. I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake. I gotta get outta here, and I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape” (Relient K)

“It’s been two whole years since you and I shared fears. Two thirty am, talking till sleep inside that diner, and now in your eyes I can’t find you. Sorry that I’m taken aback, but how I am you never ask, and I don’t need such sympathy, but a care would be so woah woah nice to have once in a while. You mean more to me than I could ever tell. So sorry that I’m taken aback, but I just can’t help it” (The Rocket Summer).

“Where are you now? As I’m swimming through the stereo I conduct a symphony of sound. Where are you now? As I’m cutting through you track by track, I swear to God this mix could sink the sun, But it was you I was thinking of. It was you I was thinking of” (Jacks Mannequin).

“And I’d give up forever to touch you, cause I know that you feel me somehow. You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be, and I don’t want to go home right now. And all I can taste is this moment, and all I can breathe is your life, cause sooner or later it’s over. I just don’t want to miss you tonight. And I don’t want the world to see me, cause I don’t think that they’d understand. When everything’s made to be broken I just want you to know who I am” (Goo Goo Dolls).

Happy Birthday to Mwa.

 What a day. We spent the morning talking family pictures with a photographer. It was actually pretty exausting (there are 9 of us), but this week and a half that I am home will be the last time we are together as a family for the next 2, maybe 4 years. It is also the first time we have been together for 2 years.

I had lunch with Heather, which was really nice. We had fun reminesing. (sp?)

By far today’s highlight, however, was going to the Chicago Temple as a family to have my adopted brother Jonathan sealed to our family. It was in every way beautiful, spiritual, and meaningful.

To the thoughtful Latter-day Saint, the Temple is the culmination of the religious experience, the pinnical of LDS spirituality. The Temple experience (and it is an experience) brings those who are prepared to receive them the highest blessings the Church of Jesus Christ has to offer. These blessings include power from on high, the promise of exaltation, and the chance for families to be together forever. As I personally have participated in the Temple experience, I have felt a greater desire for good, a lesser disposition to do evil, and a deeper reverence for Jesus Christ and his suffering on the cross.

What does it mean to be together forever as a family? When my parents were married, they were sealed by someone who had the authority to seal them for eternity. They were promised that if they kept the covenants they had made to each other, their marriage would endure beyond death and into Eternity. They were also promised that their future children would be sealed to them.

When we adopted Jonathan, he was not “born in the covenant” of my parents marriage, therefore he was part of our family only “until death do [we] part.” (Same as any marriage outside of the temple). Today, we had the unique opportunity to go to the Temple and have my parents again kneel before someone with the authority to seal them together. This time they were sealed with Jonathan who was included in the service as if he had been born in the covenant- an heir of everything the rest of us have been promised. He is my brother. It was a small, intimate ceremony, as they always are. It was beautiful.

I wish you could really understand what this meant to me today and what it will mean for Jonathan.

After we were sealed, we ate dinner and played laser tag. Everyone was really into it. We can be a competative family. My team won, by the way, and I was the second highest scorer.

I hope you all can make it tomorrow to my homecoming talk. It’s at 9:00 am Sunday at the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Lincolnshire.

Things have changed. My family is so much more unified than when I left. Everyone seems to have acclimated to the aquisition of Jonathan. And Jonathan seems well assimilated into the family. My siblings are older, more mature. Karen is more compassionate, more aware. Andrew is more expressive. Margot is more secure. Megan is more playful. Jonathan has learned how to smile with Embree charm, and he has learned how to be attatched. Everyone is so much more loyal to each other, everyone fits into everyone.

James is the same. Talking with him will forever be more natural than talking to anyone else. I say what I feel with him- I trust him- I don’t care or think about what I should say or what he wants me to say, I just say what I want to say. I think that I am myself more around him than around anyone.

James and I went and saw Bourne Ultimatum tonight- phenominal movie. My first real one in 2 years.

I went to the mall today and bought some jeans and a tee-shirt from Express. I tried on a billion pairs of pants at several stores. I have lost so much weight, my waist is smaller than when I gratuated High School.

Driving to the mall was nice. I drove through Daniel Wright Woods. Gall Chicago is beautiful. Green is everywhere, I have missed that color so much. The trees line every street. I live in a beautiful place. I never knew how lucky I was.

There was a wicked storm this afternoon. It was wonderful. I missed the lightning when I was in LA. It is so fascinating and beautiful. It rained so much, which is such an awesome display of sheer higher power.

The air ports
I feel sick. We all toy with the absenses of 2 years. We ache with the void of emo music. We recall the lyrics.
One by one the missionaries drop off as flights depart until it is just me on the plane. And then I’m in the air. Suddenly I can’t open my mouth. How can I not open my mouth? Emotion wells up, then becomes cold and I feel past feeling.

Leaving home was hard, coming home is harder. I don’t want to come home. I don’t want to be here. I’m more scared than I’ve ever been.

1st Night:

Nothing’s changed. It just feels like nothing has changed. The house is the same. The feel of the air is the same. The sounds at night are the same. The lights of the night are the same. It feels like I’ve never been gone, like 2 years never happened, and that is a disconcerting feeling.

I have changed! I have spent 2 years away. I have dedicated myself and applied myself and given everything of myself. I have grown and succeeded and loved. I don’t want that 2 years to forever be the surreal dream that doesn’t fit into the rest of my life. Did 2 years really happen?

The release

I am calm, then I am released. Suddenly 2 years of emotions are pulled out of me and I face them all at once and it is a rush and then its over. I am released of it all. He makes me take off my tag. It is an empty feeling. Suddenly my whole soul feels light and this burden is lifted from my shoulders. There is no responsibility. No burden. No importance?

1st Morning:

Why is nobody starring at me? No one is looking at me! What are these clothes I am wearing? What am I doing? I have to do something. This is sickening, I’m wasting time. I’m not helping anyone. I’m not engaged in the work. I am not working.

I need to be finding. Ok, so I’m not a missionary, I am a pre-married person. My goodness, I need to get married. Is it ok to knock doors to look for potential wives? No, that’s not effective. How can I find? Work with the members! The members! Who has a ward list? I need to talk to the relief society president.

And the music is so good. My whole body listens to it. It moves everything in me. I sway and tremble and dance and curl up fetal to it. What is this old CD? “May 2004.” “November 2003.” “Favorites.” It’s all coming back to me. This life isn’t so hard. I can do this.

And then we’re driving and out of no where my homecoming talk comes to me. I am enlightened and it fills my soul with joy. The realization: I can still receive revelation. God will still talk to me. I can still be lead by his hand. He talks to me still. I still matter. There is importance- I can still feel it. I can still draw on the power, that power that will thrash the nations. Release. My body collapses limp with the relief of it all.

2nd morning:

I need a companion. I need district meeting. I need interaction with the missionaries. It is so lonely. I need the companionship. I ache for them. I ache to be with my Elders in my mission. So many voids and aches and emptinesses and the music can’t fill them all. It’s not enough.

Everyone is asking me about my plans. I go back to Provo on the 31st, so I can start my Sophomore year at BYU on the 4th. I’m still studying painting and drawing. I’m excited. I’ll be staying at Liberty Square. You can contact me through facebook.

Saturday we go to the Temple as a family to have Jonathan sealed to my parents. I am so excited.

Sunday I speak at 9:00 at the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints at the intersection of Buffalo Grove, Prarie, and Port Clinton Rds. You’re presense is requested. That means you!

Other times are open, I really need people to talk to–so call me! Thanks!

“There’s a lot of things I understand, And there’s a lot of things that I don’t want to know … It’s alright, I’m O.K. I think God can explain. I believe I’m the same. I get caried away. It’s alright, I’m O.K. I think God can explain. I’m relieved I’m relaxed. I’ll get over it yet … I’m so much better than you guessed. I’m so much bigger than you guessed. I’m so much brighter than you guessed” (I Think God Can Explain, by Splendor).