Month: May 2005

  • "Sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all, and sometimes I wonder why-- why I'm even here at all, But then You assure me I'm a little more than useless, and when I think that I can't do this, you promise me that I'll get through this and do something right . . . I'm a little more than useless, and I never knew I knew this" (Relient k).

    "I have often said, and will repeat it, that the love of a true mother comes nearer being like the love of God than any other kind of love" (Joseph F. Smith).

    Mother's Day. We almost broke tradition by not serving my mom breakfast in bed. I'm glad we didn't and were still able to serve her a grapefruit and sing and deliver presents because it is my last mother's day before my mission. From this point on I will likely be calling my mother on the phone on Mother's Day.

    I was also really glad that the speakers in Church today spoke in a heartfelt way about motherhood. Lately in an effort to be politically correct and not offend single or childless women, the Mother's Day services have been more and more focused on womanhood in general. I have always been bothered by that because it is not Woman's Day, it is Mother's Day, a time to celebrate the underappreciated role mother's play. I believe that mothers sacrifice in a way that no other can compare. That is why I believe Mother's Day is a sacred occasion surpassed only by Easter and Christmas. I don't think that it is a coincidence that missionaries only get to call home on Christmas and Mother's Day.

    I am so grateful for my mother. As I have watched her with Jonathan I have gained a greater appreciation for the power mother's have over their children and the importance of using that power and using it well. She has sacrificed in unexplainable ways to change this little boy's life and give him a future. I can't even find the words to describe the amazing love and ache you can see in her eyes for her seven children. She was called to this purpose. I will never forget the times when I have caught her privately praying and reading scriptures. She has invoked the powers of Heaven in our home.

    Today in sacrament meeting the young men and women sang the EFY medley. I was fine until they sang, ". . . we will be the Lord's missionaries to bring the world His truth . . ." At that point I got choked up. My mission seems so close and I feel so inadequate. Missionaries are official representatives of Jesus Christ. They bear His message. How can I, with all my weaknesses, ever be good enough to be called an official representative of Jesus Christ? How can I possibly bring to the world a message as great as this message that I love so much. We're talking about Eternity here. This is no small message, it is a message that says God lives. It is a message that says that we are children of God with an eternal, divine heritage and worth. We are heirs of His blessings, and this is a message that teaches people how to receive those blessings prepared for them. How can I possibly bring something that important, that beautiful, and that sacred to the world? How can someone as proud as I and as weak as I ever bring the spirit to these people who I don't even know?

    When they sang that song all these insecurities ran through my mind, but I also found that calm assurance that told me to take courage and trust the Lord. It told me to have faith that His message was strong enough to stand for itself despite the weakness of those who teach it. Today I began putting in my papers. It won't be long now before I am waiting for that call. I will have to find a way to get through my fears and trust that it will all work out.

    "We have been born, as Nephi of old, to goodly parents who love the Lord. We have been taught, and we understand, that we must do as the Lord Commands. We are as the army of Helaman. We have been taught in our youth, and we will be the Lord's missionaries to bring the world His truth. . . We know his plan, and we will prepare, increase our knowledge through study and prayer. Daily we'll learn until we are called to take the gospel to all the world" (Janice Kapp Perry).

  • "Everybody knows it hurts to grow up, and everybody does. It’s so weird to be back here. Let me tell you why. The years go on and we're still fighting it. We're still fighting it, and you're so much like me. I’m sorry" (Ben Folds Five).

    Well things are starting to pick up here- life isn't quite as boring. Wednesday I took Megan and Jonathan to the park during Margot's softball practice. Yesterday I did that again, minus the softball. We went to balser park and explored the woods back there and the vibrating hill and the two lakes. Megan and Jonathan are convinced that elves and fairies inhabit the woods. They think the hill vibrates not because there are machines in a building under the hill, but because there is a dragon sleeping in a cave under the hill. Smoke streams from his nostrils when he snores and goes up through the pipes that stick out of the grass. In the two ponds mermaids swim, but only at night, though Megan swears she saw one yesterday. I don't quite remember how it all started, though I think it started last year with Megan and Jonathan at least. Ahh the imaginations of youth.

    Yesterday was also the debut of my siblings cast of the Daniel Wright musical, Dear Edwina. It was actually really funny, and a lot better than I would have guess for something so untraditional. My sister was still the best singer there by far. Unfortunately she didn't get to sing as much as last year (she was Annie in Annie). Andrew stepped up though and took the lead male role. He did a great job. He has great stage presence, and his expressions stole the show. It's so funny how my siblings really stand out and leave an impression. They look older then the rest of the cast, and more poised.

    Today I went mothers day shopping with James and Jonathan. We consumed way too much grease at KFC, looked forever for a particular photo album, ran into Lauren Macklin, gave up on the photo album, bought flowers (white impatients and red geraniums), and tidied up at home. James' unofficial girlfriend is over now, and I'm just sitting here thinking. You know it's not fair. I think I'm getting progressively uglier. Honestly, look at me 5 years ago:

    That's me the day Megan was born. See how happy I am, and thin. Young. That's about when I started high school- when some of you met me for the first time. Now look at me today:

    Fat and grumpy. Old. It's no wonder it was easier to find girls who liked me freshman year than now. lol. I'm just kidding. I'm sure I'm still beautiful- just filled out and seasoned. hehe. I was just thinking about what life would have been like if I had known then what I know now. Youth is wasted on the young.

    I get the feeling I am embarrassing myself. Perhaps I should find some lyrics and end this post.
    P.S. I know that I'm too young to have a midlife crisis (unless I die when I'm forty). Gee, what am I going to do when get my first wrinkle. *shudder*

    P.P.S. Congratulations Brian! He was just called as a missionary to Macon, Georgia. Wow. I have good friends serving missions now in Chile, Northern California, Las Vegas, Brazil, and Georgia. Mike is next, and then Weggs, and then me. Wow.

    "Wonderful. They called me 'Wonderful,' so I said 'Wonderful. If you insist, I will be Wonderful,' and they said, 'Wonderful."' Believe me, it's hard to resist, 'cause it feels wonderful. They think I'm wonderful. Hey, look who's wonderful . . ." (Joel Gray- Wicked).

  • "Flat on the floor looking back on old love, or lack thereof. After all the crushes are faded, and all my wishful thinking was wrong, I'm jaded. I hate it. I'm tired of being alone, so hurry up and get here. So tired of being alone, so hurry up and get here. Get here" (John Mayer).

    Why I am I here just waiting for something to happen instead of making something happen? hmmm?

    I miss DT. Really really bad. I miss living in 306 R Hall. I miss Cafe Rio. I miss living so close to everyone. I miss the itunes shared network, and warcraft. Most of all I miss all my friends.

    The other day I was complaining to my mom about the North Shore (where I live). I was talking about how everyone is so busy here, and how everyone is so high strung. I mean, the kids don't even know how to play here. You have to be signed up to be entertained. It's not like other places where kids go outside and meet other kids (unplanned) and just play a game of anything. You have to have your mom sign you up for soccer, and then you can meet kids at soccer practice and play soccer. Or baseball. Or basketball. Or tennis. Or swimming (How many of you north shore kids had swimming lessons? P.A.C.?). All the kids have their fancy summer camps. And I thought that was all normal. Then I went to college and found out that in other places people actually play. They just randomly get together in the neighborhood and play football. Soccer. Baseball. Basketball. They don't have leagues. In other places kids swim at public pools. They learn how to swim from parents, friends, siblings. I realize that little league is a suburb thing even outside of the North Shore, but honestly we've taken it further than that. If it were just little league, we'd be ok, but we're schedule crazy. My four year siblings have to be signed up for gymnastics to get their exercise. What ever happened to a backyard trampoline?

    It's not just extracurriculars. We're academically insane with ourselves. I didn't realize that it wasn't normal to take 5 A.P. Classes a year until I met people who went to schools that offer 4 A.P. classes. Even in Junior High- I swear Daniel Wright gives more homework than my college professors. My siblings work so hard it's not even funny. When do they have time to be kids? They can't be kids during the summer because of all they're signed up to do, and during the school year they can't be kids because they have to "prepare" for college. Since when does preparing for college include taking for first two years of college in high school? Heck it goes beyond the rigors of the classroom. There's NHS. There's athletics. There's pressure in every hobby- in everything. Don't even get me started on clothes or haircuts or prom dresses or any of that other crap that gets teens so high strung. Ha- and you definitely don't want to get me started on diversity (you know in other places diversity means differences in social class, ethnic cultures, and religions. Here it means differences in sexuality).

    And kids aren't the only ones deprived of life. Adults are even worse. Sure they drive around in their fancy cars living their fancy rich lives. Do you know the kind of stress and insanity accompanies the jobs that earn them that money? Honestly is it worth it? It is worth always being uptight with a schedule that runs your life? Not to mention the competition- in work, in how nice your house is, in your car, your yard, your kids, your kids' achievements. Sometimes I get so fed up with it all. Can't anyone be real? Can't anyone just relax? Can't anyone just not care for once? We all need to learn how to just have fun. Unscheduled fun.

    Don't get me wrong. I love so many things in the North Shore. The beautiful houses. Homer's Ice Cream. Walker Brothers. Good Chinese food. Good education. Heck, we actually know what good pizza is. I just am a little bitter at all of the suburb's shortcomings right now. lol. Oh well, what can you do. This is home.

    So funny story. My little sister was invited to her friend Charlie's slumber party. My mom was furious. In her day nothing of the sort would have happened. Only here and in this day and age would a parent let her eight year old have a coed sleep over.

    She was ok after I convinced her that Charlie was a girl (the hearts on the envelope gave it away for me).

    "What if I was alright? What if I wasn't wound so tight? What if I had the balls to be bad? Would you still look at me like that? Would you be mad that I had held the old me back?. . . Maybe I was too much. Maybe I'll take it down a notch. Maybe I'll have the guts to go mad. Maybe I'll mess me up real bad. Maybe I'll make you wish you had the old me back. Why can't I be somebody else? Somebody who isn't too cool to believe it's okay to be just me? What if I can't remember who I'm trying to be?" (Bleu).

  • "Life is a test, and I confess I like this mess I've made so far. Grade on a curve and you'll observe, I'm right below the horizon. Yes, no, maybe, I don't know. Can you repeat the question? . . . Life is unfair" (They Might Be Giants).

    So today I did laundry. Showered. Shaved. Looked nice (it was a good hair day). Went to the orthodontist. Then I painted the backdrop for the junior high play. The end.
    ". . . it’s apparent I've inherited a demon joy. It’s a lonely time for yours truly. I know I don't need to stay awake. In my nightmare I feel so alive. In my dreamscape escapades, I make the grade I save the day" (Eve 6).

  • "Crawling around, somebody save me, And two warm hands break right through me. Somebody save me, I don't care how you do it, Just save me. I've made this whole world shine for . . . Just stay, Stay. Come on, I'm still waiting for you" (Remey Zero).

    I am still miserably sick, and I'm hyped up on so many drugs right now I don't think I'm accountable for this post, so don't judge me for it if it is random or strange. You know I've slept 16 hours of the past 24 hours. That's like 66% of the day. I missed Church. I hate that cause I didn't get to take the sacrament and I didn't get to see everyone. And it throws off my whole week. Tomorrow won't feel like Monday, especially without school. I also missed my Grandma's birthday party today. They had lamb and Mormon potatoes and popovers and ice cream with her homemade hot fudge.

    And I was bored. Am bored. Are on drugs with zinc shoved up my nose. I surfed xanga and facebook. As I was looking at all the profiles I couldn't help but think about how profiles are so stupid. "I am an art major at Brigham Young University who loves being a Latter-day Saint, Painting, Drawing, Swimming, Lifeguarding . . ." Spshhh. What the heck does that mean? Who cares where you go to school or what your major is or what your hobbies are or what your favorite movies are or your favorite songs . . . I mean, is that really who you are? Why aren't profiles more meaningful- more descriptive. My profile would be so much better if it said something like:

    Some people have their coffee or mountain dew or chocolate or ice cream. I have my orange juice, my comfort food. I drink it when I feel vulnerable or angry or insecure or really really happy, which might be why I go through so much of it. Some times I question God's decision to give people procreative power, but usually He wins arguments on the subject. I'm a big pushover, which is something I hate, but my biggest regret is growing up too fast, or maybe growing up to much, which is funny because I didn't waste my childhood, and I certainly had a great childhood that lasted as long an anyone else's. Nonetheless, that may or may not be why I love Peter Pan so much. I don't know how to let people touch me, and I'm afraid of touching others. Maybe that's why I crave touch so much. I don't win games very often. I'm still looking for the game that I'm good at. Every night before I fall asleep I lie in bed, some times for hours, dreaming about the future. Sometimes the dreams are serious and realistic, almost goals, and sometimes they are more whimsical. Always they are complicated and detailed. It took years to finally come up with my best plan to take over the world, something that involves Italy, painting, Boston, park benches, books, video games, artificial intelligence, the governor of Massachusetts, and the Presidency. Sometimes I dream that I have curly hair, or that I am a castaway on an island (sometimes with all of my friends), or that I secretly have dragons, or that I'm starting a new civilization, or that I can fly, or that I have finally found my Mary Jane. Sometimes my dreams take me into other worlds, which may or may not lead to future books. I may or may not ever get to that park bench. I may or may not really take over the world. I worry too much. Some times I convince myself that my friends really hate me. I'm not really a big fan of my extended family. (there are, of course, exceptions). I get bitter sometimes, which is funny cause I'm such a cheerful person. I like to trick adults, and I'm very good at it, but the more I become an adult, the less charming and fun it becomes. If you catch me talking to myself, don't be alarmed. You would think I need help, but I can assure you that I'm ok, and in person I will convince you that I'm not only ok, but that I'm quite exceptionally wonderful.

    Did I mention I'm on night time cold medicine?

    "What day is it, And in what month? This clock never seemed so alive. I can't keep up, and I can't back down. I've been losing so much time . . . All of the things that I want to say Just aren't coming out right. I'm tripping on words, you got my head spinning. I don't know where to go from here, Cause it's you and me and all of the people With nothing to do . . ." (Lifehouse).

  • Sleep in the grass in a blue field
    The fireflies blinking past Orion
    All sprawled out beside the bikes, the wheels still spinnin'.

    I know a shortcut along the stonewall where
    Evergreen soldiers point their branches for a child-like mind, like yours and mine to follow.

    C'mon, steal me
    C'mon steal me.

    I drew a map so we can get home or maybe come back here in the summer
    But I'm not sure how to draw a path to get to moonlight.

    So, tonight, these stars can shine as our halos and the pine trees watch over like guardian angels,
    Protecting a perfect love between twilight and all a lifetime of yearning.

    I won't be awake for much longer
    So c'mon, steal me.

    -Jupiter Sunrise