May 1, 2005

• "Crawling around, somebody save me, And two warm hands break right through me. Somebody save me, I don't care how you do it, Just save me. I've made this whole world shine for . . . Just stay, Stay. Come on, I'm still waiting for you" (Remey Zero).
  

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  I am still miserably sick, and I'm hyped up on so many drugs right now I don't think I'm accountable for this post, so don't judge me for it if it is random or strange. You know I've slept 16 hours of the past 24 hours. That's like 66% of the day. I missed Church. I hate that cause I didn't get to take the sacrament and I didn't get to see everyone. And it throws off my whole week. Tomorrow won't feel like Monday, especially without school. I also missed my Grandma's birthday party today. They had lamb and Mormon potatoes and popovers and ice cream with her homemade hot fudge.

  And I was bored. Am bored. Are on drugs with zinc shoved up my nose. I surfed xanga and facebook. As I was looking at all the profiles I couldn't help but think about how profiles are so stupid. "I am an art major at Brigham Young University who loves being a Latter-day Saint, Painting, Drawing, Swimming, Lifeguarding . . ." Spshhh. What the heck does that mean? Who cares where you go to school or what your major is or what your hobbies are or what your favorite movies are or your favorite songs . . . I mean, is that really who you are? Why aren't profiles more meaningful- more descriptive. My profile would be so much better if it said something like:

  Some people have their coffee or mountain dew or chocolate or ice cream. I have my orange juice, my comfort food. I drink it when I feel vulnerable or angry or insecure or really really happy, which might be why I go through so much of it. Some times I question God's decision to give people procreative power, but usually He wins arguments on the subject. I'm a big pushover, which is something I hate, but my biggest regret is growing up too fast, or maybe growing up to much, which is funny because I didn't waste my childhood, and I certainly had a great childhood that lasted as long an anyone else's. Nonetheless, that may or may not be why I love Peter Pan so much. I don't know how to let people touch me, and I'm afraid of touching others. Maybe that's why I crave touch so much. I don't win games very often. I'm still looking for the game that I'm good at. Every night before I fall asleep I lie in bed, some times for hours, dreaming about the future. Sometimes the dreams are serious and realistic, almost goals, and sometimes they are more whimsical. Always they are complicated and detailed. It took years to finally come up with my best plan to take over the world, something that involves Italy, painting, Boston, park benches, books, video games, artificial intelligence, the governor of Massachusetts, and the Presidency. Sometimes I dream that I have curly hair, or that I am a castaway on an island (sometimes with all of my friends), or that I secretly have dragons, or that I'm starting a new civilization, or that I can fly, or that I have finally found my Mary Jane. Sometimes my dreams take me into other worlds, which may or may not lead to future books. I may or may not ever get to that park bench. I may or may not really take over the world. I worry too much. Some times I convince myself that my friends really hate me. I'm not really a big fan of my extended family. (there are, of course, exceptions). I get bitter sometimes, which is funny cause I'm such a cheerful person. I like to trick adults, and I'm very good at it, but the more I become an adult, the less charming and fun it becomes. If you catch me talking to myself, don't be alarmed. You would think I need help, but I can assure you that I'm ok, and in person I will convince you that I'm not only ok, but that I'm quite exceptionally wonderful.

  Did I mention I'm on night time cold medicine?
  

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  "What day is it, And in what month? This clock never seemed so alive. I can't keep up, and I can't back down. I've been losing so much time . . . All of the things that I want to say Just aren't coming out right. I'm tripping on words, you got my head spinning. I don't know where to go from here, Cause it's you and me and all of the people With nothing to do . . ." (Lifehouse).

  • 10:25 pm
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