Well, It’s fast Sunday for our Stake today . . . time for another CD:
Friend of Mine (Eve 6)
I’m Still Here (Vertical Horizon)
Without You (Mest)
Shell of Myself (Mest)
Letters to You (Finch)
Stay With Me (Finch)
So Far Away (Staind)
Somewhere Out There (Our Lady Peace)
Undercover (Pete Yorn)
Wherever You Will Go (The Calling)
Adrienne (The Calling)
Promise (Eve 6)
Amazing (Josh Kelley)
Best I Ever Had (Vertical Horizon)
Addicted (Simple Plan)
I’d do Anything (Simple Plan)
Again I go Unnoticed (Dashboard Confessional)
At Least We’re Dreaming (Eve 6)
Without You Here (Eve 6)
Cavanaugh Park (Something Corporate)
Monday Update:
Ok. Wow. You know you’re listening to a CD too much when you fall asleep in the middle of it and your dreams revolve around each track.
I was listening to my September CD . . . track one was “Friend of Mine.” I was thinking about Weggs (I got to see him Sunday night for a few hours) and junior year and senior year, and I drifted off as track 2 began.
I dreamed I was on Basswood Island and Haley came back, only not just as a little person. “[I] smile the widest when I cry inside and my insides blow apart. I try to wear another face just to make you proud- Just to make you put me in my place.” Haley started talking about my Creative Writting piece. It was a scene frome the summer.
Suddenly I was in front of my computer in the basement on a Sunday night. Haley was still standing behind me. He continued the song, “I held the pieces of my soul. I was shattered, and I wanted you to come and make me whole. Then I saw you yesterday, but you didn’t notice. You just walked away. Cause everything you wanted me to hide is everything that makes me feel alive. . .”
The scene changed again and I was in Seminary, alone. I sang to Haley track 3, “I warned you I told you I’d be better without you. . . where are you now?” Only it wasn’t really Haley. He mimicked Luce’s voice saying, “All the insecurities built inside of you must have just blown up.”
Haley dissapeared and I heard “the nightmares not over . . .” It was Luce, but I couldn’t see him. “. . . that night we last shared . . .”
The night faded into day, this time at BYU. Andy was there. He was telling me how wonderful it was, and I started to get into the next track saying, “Can’t you see that I wanna be there . . .” It became night, as I continued, “It’s empty tonight and I’m all alone. Get me through this one. Do you notice I’m gone?”
I was moved from BYU to BG days with the lyrics, “Cigarettes and open air, hand in hand, and I said stay with me, ’cause every star that I see is brighter than the last” I went deeper into the dream. I don’t remember what I was thinking, but it fit into, “This is my life; its not what it was before. All these feelings i’ve shared- and these are my dreams . . . I’m so afraid of waking, please don’t shake me”
I was laying on the dock on Basswood looking at the stars and moon. Someone told me, “Last time I talked to you, you were lonely and out of place.” To which I replied, “I know you’re out there, somewhere out there.” “You know I never try, [but] I love you like the one I used to know.” “I know now, just quite how my life and love might still go on in your heart. In your mind, I’ll stay with you for all of time. If I could then I would, I’ll go wherever you will go”
“I gave you all I had to give, but I could never reach you” And then I heard “Adrienne” and I was transported back a year to the Lincolnshire swim club. Adrienne was the hot snack bar manager. She was talking to me, but mid sentence turned into Margaret, my boss this year. She said, “I really need to tell you,” but she never finished the statement because I was too busy singing, “sleeping through the evening singing dreams inside my head.” I thought of the promise I had made, but then heard myself saying, “you’re amazing” and thought of Heather, who of course appeared in front of me. We were sailing on lake Michigan, looking at the skyline and all decked out for prom. Morning was coming, grey. “Best I ever had” played in the background.
Then we were in the dance again, and I was hearing “Addicted” for the first time. “I don’t know why I’m still waiting, I can’t make . . .” I got so excited over the song that I left to write a letter. “Another day is going by. I’m thinking about you all the time, but you’re out there, and I’m here waiting,” I wrote, “And I wrote this letter in my head, ’cause so many thing were left unsaid, but now you’re gone, and I can’t think straight”
Suddenly I became depressed. I was at a party- I’m not sure where (prolly at Mary’s), but there were tons of people there. As “Again I go Unnoticed” came on, I left the party and went to my car where I listened to Iris. As I heard Eve 6 “waitin for someone to come along and find me,” Andy and Weggs came to get me, and I told them, “At least im breathin. At least im alive. As long as I’m dreaming, everything’s gonna be alright”
But the two of them disappeared, and I was left with, “without you here, I feel my fear.”
It was still night, I heard “I . . . sit all alone in the dark, and dream about things that I cannot say.” I called out to the summer, “There was never any place, for someone like me to be totally happy. I’m running out of clock and that ain’t a shock. Some things never do change, never do change”
As the CD ended, I forced myself awake. I wasn’t upset or anything. Actually I felt great. Relieved, Happy. And that’s all I have to say about that.
Month: August 2003
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*sigh* I’m sitting here listening to Vertical Horizon . . . “so you sailed away into a gray sky morning, now I’m here say . . .” and Eve 6′s “friend of mine” and Finch’s “Letters to You” (the latter two I’ve listened to nonstop all weekend). I am also trying to get my homework done without losing too much sleep. Hopefully I can get back to you on the update.
“. . . Yesterday’s not all we have
Sorry I could not make this last
One thing I need from you
That’s honesty
Please never lie to me
That’s what she said to me
One thing for sure is that
I will be true
In everything I do
That’s what I learned from you
Yesterday’s not all that bad
Sorry I could not make this last . . .”
(Mest, Yesterday) -
I have so much to say about the past three days, but I don’t feel like typing that much . . . so I’ll abreviate.
Special people at the pool, school system is screwed up, treehuggers suck, weather yesterday made me want to kill, and they played “I’d do anything” on the morning announcements today.
Oh. And I really want to tell you the funniest story, but my boss won’t let me. Ahhhh- it was priceless. -
You will notice to the right that Philo T. Farnsworth, the “father of television” was born today in 1906. He was my great grandfather’s cousin . . . so that means I’m related to the guy who invented TV
I’m remembering why I love Eve 6 . . .
“ringing in my head/ all the things you’ve said/ . . . No i know it isnt right/ wanna be with you tonight”
“It wasn’t the easiest year/ . . . You know I don’t want you to go/ Friend of mine stay alive/ Don’t you leave me here/ All alone in a world with a chronic tear/ I will always be here . . .”
“I quit lookin at the clock,/ it will only bring me down and it wont bring you here./ If I pulled out all the stops and a little less in my hair”
“at least im breathin/ at least im alive/ as long as im dreamin/ everythings gonna be alright”
That’s all off their new “It’s all in Your Head” CD- and it also happens to be what Heather has so graciously listened to me go on about lately
And there’s always Finch. Right now I’m listening to “letters to you,” “stay with me,” and “without you here” -
So, I’ve figured it out. It’s a plot. One big plot to drive me past insanity- and the whole world is part of it, except maybe for Heather and a few other select individuals.
I didn’t sleep well last night- if at all. And I did not wake up to a winter wonder land, much like I had hoped.
Andy left today.
After dropping James off at school, I got to work, and found the parking lot had been roped off with a fresh coat of blacktop. No big deal, I just parked in the guest lot across the street.
I proceeded to have a somewhat obnoxiously normal day at work, when I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach. I didn’t like it. I had the impression that I needed to look at my car. I thought I was crazy. I mean, I was there in the sun watching a bunch of kids- I couldn’t just leave them to look at my car across the street. But then again, I had the distinct impression that I needed to check on my car.
So, I walked over to the fence, leaned over and looked at the guest parking. There are four spaces in that particular “lot” (it doesn’t really deserve to be called a lot) There were no cars in it.
I freaked, I blew my whistle and made the kids get out of the pool- grrr- it wasn’t a pretty site. I ran over to some people who came to the parking right after I started looking at it. As I got there, they began paving it. I explained my situation *sigh*
They were stupid and didn’t know anything.
“do you know where my car is?”
“no”
“did you tow my car?”
“no”
“did anybody tow my car?”
“um, the management mentioned a car here.”
“what did they say they did with the car here?”
“I don’t think they towed it, they moved it.”
“Where to?”
“I dunno”
“how do you move a car without keys?”
“I dunno”
“Can you tell me how to reach the management?”
“no”
“CAN YOU GIVE ME THE NUMBER TO CALL TO FIND OUT WHERE MY CAR IS?”
“no”
“CAN YOU TELL ME WHO I SHOULD CONTACT TO FIND THE CAR”
“I think I wrote her name down somewhere, let me look for it.”
“IS IT ANNETTE?”
“Oh yeah, I think it might have been Annette . . .”
I wanted to strangle the guy. I left Ed a message, eventually I left Annette a voicemail too. *sigh* Then I called my boss, who came over to guard while I sorted it all out. My dad called the cell . . .
“Hi, your mom and I are coming to pick up the car.”
“You found the car?! Great!”
“What are you talking about-”
“Oh, the car dissapeared and I don’t know where it is and I’m trying to . . .
*click*
My dad was pissed. My boss thought that it was hilarious that he hung up on me. I went again to try to reach Annette (who was on her lunch break), asking Margaret to answer my phone and try to explain to my dad the story. I figured he might listen to her.
I listened to the stupid recording again, pushed 0 for operator, is Annette was back from lunch, was assured that she was back, and then was transfered to . . . voicemail. “please don’t leave more than one message; all messages will be answered withing 24 to 48 hours.”
I hung up, called again, and demanded to talk to Annette in person right away.
“um, well, who is this?”
“I’m Dan, I’m with Pool Watch, I’m a life guard at the Old Farm Village Pool.”
“let me go find her”- the pause was maybe half a second, so I guess she handed the phone across the desk. Grrrr.
To make a long story short, the car had been moved down the street quite a ways . . . I swear someone’s out to get me.
Later today I got to watch Heather’s end of band camp performance. I enjoyed spending time with her- only on my way home, I slammed the car door on my finger. I told you it’s out to get me.
Oh- and my final self portrait. It’s scaring me. It changes it’s expression- I swear, it’s really freaky. It looks at me in different ways at different times . . .
Time to go to bed . . . listening to my music. It’s definately a Simple Plan night, perhaps with a little Linkin Park from last night:
“What I want you to want, what I want you to feel
But it’s like no matter what I do, I can’t convince you, to just believe this is real
So I let go, watching you, turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I’m not
But I’m convinced you’re all that I’ve got
I can’t feel the way I did before
Don’t turn your back on me
I won’t be ignored
Time won’t heal this damage anymore
Don’t turn your back on me
I won’t be ignored
I am a little bit insecure, a little unconfident
‘Cause you don’t understand, I do what I can, but sometimes I don’t make sense . . . “ -
Wow! I have a big smile on right now- one so big it’s almost laughter, kinda like what Andy does when he says something really funny. I just finished my final self-portrait, and it blew me away. I didn’t expect it to happen like it did in a million years, I’m so excited . . .
I think I’m going to call it “Blinded”- because the portrait is the exact expression I get when I hear that song, or when I see what makes me think of that song.
And to think a few hours ago I was singing Mest, “It’s times like these that I miss you most, remembering when we were so close,” and being all mopey (sp?). -
“This is my life/ It’s not what it was before/ All these feelings I’ve shared/ And these dreams/ That I’d never lived before/ Somebody shake me ’cause I/ I must be sleeping
“Now that we’re here, it’s so far away/ All the struggle we thought was all in vain/ They all finally start to go away/ Now that we’re here, it’s so far away/ And I feel like I can face the day/ I can forgive, and I’m not ashamed/ To be the person I am today . . .
I was listening to that song (by Staind) on the way home from the Stake Beach Party. Now I’m sitting here in the basement listening to the Zone because they’re promised me over the last hour that Nickleback’s “someday” was coming up . . . There! Finally
“How . . .’d we wind up like this?/ Why weren’t we able to see the signs that we missed?/ Try to turn the tables. . . Lately, there’s been too much of this./ Don’t think it’s too late.
“Nothin’s wrong just as long as you know that Someday I will
“Someday, some how I’m gonna make it alright, but not right now. I know you’re wondering when. You’re the only one who knows that/Someday, some how I’m gonna make it alright, but not right now. I know you’re wondering when.
“I hoped that since we’re here anyway, we can end up saying things we’ve always needed to say. [*sigh*]
So we can end up staying./ Now the story’s played out like this, just like a paperback novel./ Let’s rewrite an ending that fits,/ instead of a Hollywood horror.
“Nothin’s wrong just as long as you/ know that Someday I will…”
Anyway . . . my family left around 6:45 this morning to see the air and water show on a private beach . . . I stayed home to work on AP. I tried to find directions to the Beach Party, it wasn’t going so well, so at like 1:15 I decided just to anyway and hope I eventually found it. I found it at like 2:10. The party was definately over at 3. I definately wasted my time going so far west for less than an hour. I was kicking myself the whole way home for not listening to those who tried to tell me *cough Heather-Dana-Megan*
FRIDAY Aug 15, 2003
I had some people over from Church . . . it was a lot of fun . . .
I was surprised to see Andy show up at 6:25- in more ways than one. Considering when I asked him if he was coming or not he said, “it’s possible” “it is 3 days before I leave” and “I will at least try to stop by.” So when he was the first one here I was surprised. ‘Course, it helped that he came in through the back door, jumped on me when my back was turned, and scared me half to death . . .
Eventually everyone else came. I had fun eating pizza on animal plates, hacking into my dad’s computer, listening to music, talking with Heather and Andy and (wait, I’m not going to list the people I talked to because that would be rambling), and watching Charade, and watching JP and Adam break my sister’s toys . . . etc. Everything went well, except when I was attacked several times and tickled to death. Well, that’s pretty much it . . . lemme know if I forgot anything. -
Xanga hasn’t worked in 3 days. *SNARL* here’s yesterday’s post:
August 12, 2003
Why doesn’t xanga work when I need to post . . . GRRRR
Well, Saturday I had the day off, well, kinda. I met Heather at this family’s house at 11. They were having a family reunion, and so they hired Heather and I to help them out until 4. I was in charge of the grill. It was fun, except for about an hour during which I decided I never want to work in a restaurant. Ever. There were 20 people at a time giving me orders, changing their orders, steal other orders, complaining that the meat wasn’t cooking fast enough . . . *SNARL* At least Heather and I ate cheesecake- marking off something else on our list. I think we actually might be almost finished with our list . . .
Anyway, I got some practice on AP done before I was off to Neichel’s party. It was a little slow at first, but I was in a good mood- it turned out to be one of the best parties I’ve been to in a long time. I talked to Weggs for a while, and then we went out on the lake in kayaks. Fun times. Then there was more socializing. Some girls and I picked up Andy to throw him into the lake- fully clothed. We almost got him too. He was tossing his wallet, phone, etc., when he got John to come and rescue him. He did manage to steal my keys and order Weggs to take the car. I didn’t deter me from the task at hand- lol- but John was too much for me.
Somehow I ended up in the passenger seat of my car as Andy took off. It was all fun and games until realized the tires were low on air. As we returned to Neichel’s, Andy and I tried to find his wallet. The girls had run off with it. While Andy questioned Bonnie, I happened to come across a wallet that was under the couch cushions. Somehow it ended up in my back pocket, and I forgot to tell anyone.
Because I was obviously 100% innocent, it was uncalled for when Andy crept up on me and discovered two wallets in my pockets. And to attack me then . . . who does that? lol. Why is it that I leave almost every party with wounds and scars. And why are they almost always from Andy? hehe
Well, for the record, I was doing a great job of keeping Andy away from my two pockets as we wrestled (if that’s what you call defending an attack) until he made John sit on me. My left shoulder felt that in the morning.
So after a drawn out struggle, Andy discovered both wallets in my pockets weren’t his. So the search began again. He never did quite trust me- the girls kept convincing him I had it so that he had to search me again and again. We found it a while later under the couch cushions.
Anyway, the party ended with My Big Fat Greek Wedding. I missed the end (grr- another story), but I am told Adam really enjoyed it
Sunday.
Church was really good. Good speakers, good company, good Sunday School (no teacher
), good priesthood. Best Sunday all summer perhaps. It carried on my good mood.
Dinner at my grandma’s was good, where my cousin was recently released from service in Afghanistan.
As we got home, Brother Johnson dropped off some antique lamps for me to draw. They were beautiful, and I’ve never been so excited for my still life. I am now done drawing and shading it. It’s a matter of color now, and then I’m 2/3 done with my summer AP work.
Yesterday I felt great, despite becoming grounded until school starts. I picked up Weggs at 10- pumped some air into my tires and met Andy, John, and the Elder and Sister Missionaries at the bowling alley. I suck at bowling. A lot. Yeah. We have great missionaries right now. They’re a lot of fun,
We proceeded to go to Wegg’s and I detoured a bit, passing my favorite pizza pub *cough* “if you C . . .” and Neichel’s where I had to pick up my swim suit. After ordering pizza, we got slurpies and picked up the pizza in Andy’s almost brakeless car. That was fun, minus the grease that got all over my new kakis.
The missionaries and John went over to the Cook’s to see their new Jet Ski. Andy, Weggs, and I opted to stay at Wegg’s and talk. Andy seemed to think that I ramble, so he mocked my with his hands behind my back every 3 sec. lol . . . no, it wasn’t that funny. But I had a good time. It only got creepy (and embarrassing) when Andy knew what I was going to say before I said it. *snarl*
*sigh* Eventually I had to leave to go to work. I realized I had left my cell in the car. My mom had tried to call me to tell me she had made me a doctors appointment. I missed the call, so I missed the appointment. Obviously that makes me irresponsible, so I am now grounded until school starts. Oh well. I need the time to work on AP anyway. And it’s not like I would have done anything differently if I could. The extra hour or two was worth it.
So that’s my weekend, a big one since it basically started the demise of Haley, since it was Wegg’s last, and since for once this summer I was able to spend time with all of my friends.
As for today- I worked 12 hours, though my boss gave me a long break that I filled with absolutely nothing. She told me that I talked like the band camp chick from American Pie. I never saw the movie, but I don’t think that’s a good thing. I told her about Andy’s teasing yesterday, and she thought it was funny. Now she has started to do that hand thing whenever I talk, and she keeps imitating me with, “This one time . . . and it was so funny” and “Did you . . . ? Cause that would be so cool.” I don’t really talk like that . . . right? -
Well, until I finally made Andy’s party I was pretty much content to curl up and die, but now I’m gonna be just fine . . . lol, let me tell you about it . . .
Yesterday wasn’t so bad actually, but that didn’t stop me from getting really depressed (as Heather and Dana will attest). I worked the opening shift, and then it was time for Dan R.’s Birthday party. It was pretty fun- Lake Forest Beach and all. Got to see all the BG2 people, and to catch up with Mary, Dana, and Gina. Actually, talking to Dana for a while on the rocks really helped me out. And watching the water come over and through the rocks with the spray and the sounds and everything has always been something I’ve enjoyed. Then Andy arrived, and so Dana and I left the rocks to socialize again and swing for a little bit and the party moved on from there. For a few moments Andy and I escaped to go back and climb those big rocks. I had fun, but even still, late that night Heather and Dana were telling me to get a grip- one that didn’t come until today.
I woke up this morning tired and grumpy as I went to work. Only 2 people came to the pool today. It was gray and misty. It felt more like a Monday then a Friday. And of course, much like a Monday, the car refused to start when I got off at 3. Plans to get a haircut went down the drain as I called home. Plans to work on AP went down the drain as I discovered my dad was busy working and my mom was sick. To stall, I got some food across the street. Eventually my mom came by and we tried to jump the car.
Soon we discovered that the battery that was original to the 1997 avalon should be replaced every 5 years. No wonder the battery was fried. Plans to go to Andy’s party at 6 also began to fade. I was not in a good mood. I was mad at the world, and the world was mad at me. Haley was still wailing from Thursday, and Thomas was drowned in Luce’s laughter over the traffic that stood between me and a new battery.
By the time we had changed the battery and everything, it was somewhat late, and so James and I got to Andy’s party around 8. Being so late wasn’t too bad, other than Weggs surprised me. I didn’t think he got home until tomorrow.
After a while, Dana, Nichole, and I decided we wanted to leave for some ice cream. Jeff, Weggs, Martin, and Martin’s legs joined us as we snuck away to the new Culver’s. Ran into two jerks from Lake Zurich . . . it was, interesting. They said some things that got me thinking (that happens when you insult two of the things that mean so much to me). Actually, by the time we had returned to the party (minus, Weggs, Martin, and Legs), I was hearing and seeing things that sent me deep into thought. At first I was upset and set off to listen to Iris or Dashboard or something, but then Dana knocked some sense into me, and it hit. Suddenly I had this epiphany of understanding. Something that had been bothering me all summer made sense for once. I’m not quite over it yet, but I will now because I understand.
I feel a little bit like that commercial.- you know, the “parents: the anti-drug” one where there’s all these teens saying things like, “mom” “dad” “you invaded my privacy” “you pushed” “I pushed back” “I hated it” “I hated you” . . .
“thanks”
yeah, that commercial is my reaction to the way God has been letting things happen to me all summer. So that’s my friday. Now I’m just singing Nickleback’s “someday” to myself. Anyway . . . now with all this understanding I’m thinking Haley is going to start diminishing. Pitty it had to happen before Heather caught on
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